I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
