saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
