I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
