We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize