Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
