God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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