I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
