New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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