Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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