I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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