just tell him i said nine months
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
