We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
