if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
well most of my day revolves around power hour
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
