woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
