I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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