you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
