My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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