Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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