Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
