I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
