I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
