Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize