walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
