It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
