mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
