You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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