Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There's even glitter on my cock...
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