Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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