I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
