Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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