theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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