you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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