when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
