i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
