4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
