How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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