im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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