So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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