I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
cat food counts as protein by the way
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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