i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
