You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
