I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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