It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
