god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
birth control should be required to get into college
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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