Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
