You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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