flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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