Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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