also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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