we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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