i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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