Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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