I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
