ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
