life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
