apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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