DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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