She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
