If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
