I murdered the dance floor call the cops
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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