They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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