She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
