The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
