..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
