The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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